Tolerable Expressions
The recurring murmurs of being told to prioritize being palatable & presentable
I’m starting to feel ugly again.
Been a while honestly, that’s big for me. Don’t pity me though, I’m not sharing this for you to rush and erase that thought like some bad seed that shouldn’t touch soil. Its roots deserve to sprout, it’s just a weed — I’ll pick it out when it’s time.
For now, I need to explore why I feel this way.
I’ve been happier and I’m a pretty damn happy person — despite all I’ve been subjected to and up against — optimism is an active discipline of mine. You see though, when I’m delighted all inhibitions leave me, sounds ideal right? Eh not quite.
Along the way , back in my youngest most fruitful, and impressionable days, I was told how to mold, shape, edit, frame, backspace — delete, italicize, and indent my happiness so it was tolerable.
As a kid our comprehension and articulation abilities are vastly imbalanced. So while I never thought of myself of as ugly, I came to learn that joy was … ugly.
I have the language to call that what it is — an oxymoron.
I’ve grown up enough to know, that’s not true — worry not.
Were you told to make yourself more tolerable? What for? Let’s tear that idea apart together.
So poignant and relatable. I’ve definitely been pressured to make myself smaller and fit into a box based on appearances. Here’s to recycling the box entirely 🥂 cheers babe. And I love your note on weeding the thought in due time when you’re ready.